Tag Archives: feelings



So it’s Saturday, and I am home alone. Well, not totally, I have my little princess Eva with me, but she is asleep. Paul is on the afternoon shift at work, and our boys spend Saturdays nights at their dad’s house. It’s very quiet in the house, even my cat doesn’t make a sound. I don’t usually like to be on my own, but today, after very busy few days, I am really enjoying it.

It’s because I try to be there for everybody. Eva off course needs my constant attention. Ben as a middle child is simply jealous, and this becomes a real problem. His not angry, he loves Eva. But he wants me to be with him all the time. So I need to stretch myself to change nappies, read books, bottle feed and play on PS at the same time. I do talk to him a lot, try to be there when he needs me. But this makes it worse, because now, everything is the end of the world. Today he took my iPad and saw that there is a new game. It was Oliwer’s game, and I didn’t know anything about it. So he cried. Instead of just go and ask his older brother he cried, and I’ve spent nearly 10 minutes calming him down, explaining that Oliwer for sure will tell him everything he wants to know about this game. This is how it looks, any little reason is the reason to cry. I don’t even entertain it any more. I just tell him to stop or I won’t talk to him. He needs to snap out of this habit quickly, or I’ll sit down and cry with him. And there’s Oliwer. He is 11, and this is time when he needs me and Paul a lot. If I hadn’t nag him about school, he would happily leave everything, not do his homework, and play on his PS all day and all night. So I make sure he is always ready for school, and if he doesn’t understand something, I work on it with him (what sometimes means that I have to go online and learn how to do it myself). In this matter I was nicely rewarded, as Oliwer’s new school report shows that he is where he should be with moste of the subjects, and with some of them even above the expected level.

This week I’ve had a difficult cake to make, so most of my free time over last three days, I’ve spent preparing figurines. I also tried to do the usual things, so our daily schedule doesn’t change. I think children, especially little needs a routine more than anything. I am very happy with the result of my work, and I want to show you how it turned out. It’s a double sided cake, for brother and sister, she loves Disney and animals, he plays Dragon City game. So here is a link to my instagram post;

I were very happy to give it away, so I could focus on my kiddos a little bit. We had an art Saturday. Ben could choose what we will do. He wanted to paint. I like when we paint, because Oliwer leaves his games and joins us every time. We have a bit of family time. It’s a shame that Paul was at work, and couldn’t do it with us.


Now, to celebrate mu quiet evening, I will hang my washing, and have a long hot bath.


Funny Eva

Something really funny happened today. Let’s start from the beginning.

Since Eva was born her granddad tried to make her laugh with his car keys. She was never bothered to much, until today. Today she couldn’t get off them. She just wanted them, and she cried if she couldn’t get them. The whole situation was very funny. Here is a film I’ve put on YT, showing her crying, and then cheering up when she’s got the keys.

It’s only 19 seconds. I hope you’ll enjoy it.


It’s nearly end of February. It is a month of changes for me and Eva.

Last Friday I turned 33. And as I cried when I turned 30, now I realized that I’m not bothered. Why? Because I like myself a lot more now, then I did when I was younger. I have three kids, and I don’t feel this pressure any more to look good, to be liked by others, to have a lot of friends. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to look pretty, I don’t let myself go, but I don’t think that taking Ben to school in the morning without make up on is such a tragedy. Most of the time I wear leggings, because I found them being my bridge between comfy and girly. But I have a thing I started to work on, related to my appearance and it is my weight. I put on about 15kg during pregnancy, and I didn’t loose any since. So I eat healthier, try to eat always at the same time and increased my activity, which means I started using my fitness dvd. My weight is 83.4kg, my BMI is 31, which mean for me that I am 1st degree obese. Previous me would be embarrassed to say that, but I treat this as a motivation to loose it, because every time I can tell you that I’ve lost something it will be my little success .

Now my little lovely Eva. She is now 4 months old. We started on adding vegetables and fruits to her diet, and it’s the funniest thing I have seen.

I know, some of the mums are thinking now – what is she doing? Midwife said, wait till your baby is 6 months!

I know what she said. But every mum has got her ways. I raised two boys before, and both of them started on vegetables and fruits when they turned 4 months. I couldn’t wait for that moment. The faces that baby is pulling when it tries something for the first time, and how messy it is, honestly first time I have Eva carrot she had it everywhere, even on her forehead. And I have to admit, I am lazy mum. I don’t cook it myself, I buy jars. Why? Because I believe that they are perfectly balanced to baby needs. I wouldn’t give her meat until she is 6 months old. So I carefully pick those, in my opinion good for my child. My favourite ones are Hipp, and I must say that we tried a few different tastes, the one that Eva liked most was probably Mixed vegetable medley, as she liked her lips for a long time after we finished.


Eva eating vegetables at 4 months old

There’s one more thing I’d like to tell you about – routines.

As she understand a bit more now, what I mean, she knows who we are, and loves when we talk to her, we have our little routines. I noticed, that at evening she always gets tired after 8 o’clock. So me and Paul try to give her a bath always around 8, then I put her in to her cot, and read a book. Right now, I am reading Winnie the Pooh. I love Pooh, I caught myself reading chapter after chapter, every time saying ‘Oooooh this one is my favourite…’ And Eva is listening. I don’t know how much she understand, but this creates a special bond between us. I also made an observation on this subject, with my boys. When I had my older son, nearly 12 years ago, I were reading to him every evening, and now he loves reading books, also he writes his own stories. With my younger boy, who’s going to be 5 at the end of this month I didn’t do it too much. I were reading from time to time, but not often. Now it’s time for him to learn to read and he is not so bothered about it. I hope Eva will love reading, because it opens the whole world of imagination for children.

To end up our routine, after reading I turn off the light and stay with Eva until she fall asleep. Then I put breathing  mat on, and I go downstairs to spend the rest of the evening, watching films, or maybe to fall asleep on the sofa, during watching a film, after exhausting day…

My little bubble

I switch on tv, and then I switch it off again. I have enough listening about Brexit, and what new Donald Trump did (why are everybody so surprised anyway, he said he is going to do it, didn’t it?). On a day like this I create my little bubble. Boys are at school, P. is at work, and I am home with little Eva, my little princess.

Eva is nearly 4 months old now. She’s got eyes like two shiny beads and a smile that melt hearts. And it’s not only my opinion as a mother, everyone who seen her can tell you that. This baby is just cute.


Eva 3.5 months 

She is also a little angel. If she’s not asleep, she smiles. Hardly ever cry. So I found my self a hobby that I can do while sitting at home with her. I knit. No… it’s not only for old ladies, it’s very calming down, helping me to focus. I learnt to knit in primary school, but then left it for many years, and now I discover that it gives me a lot of pleasure.

I even wanted to share my knowledge on YT, record some tutorials, on hats and scarves, but then I discovered, that I don’t like my recorded voice. And anyway it’s not easy to record a good tutorial, that I know for sure. But I still can share my photos, so I’d like to show you my first teddy bear that I have made.


My first knitted teddy bear

Have a very good day!


I finally found a bit of time to tell you about my Christmas. As I have a patchwork polish-english family, we celebrate in both ways as well. I’ll start from the beginning.

In Poland we celebrate on Christmas Eve rather then Christmas Day. Our tradition say, there should be twelve dishes on the table, there should always be one empty plate on the table, for unexpected hungry guest, who may knock on the door. We start our dinner when the first star comes out on the sky. Before eating, we share with each other a special wafer, called oplatek, and say Christmas wishes, usually of health and fortune. After that, some families read the Bible and pray, my family have never done that, therefore I don’t keep this tradition. Then we eat. My favourite dishes on Christmas table are pierogi (dumplings) with sauerkraft and mushrooms, and bigos – sauerkraft with mushrooms and meat. Now, before someone shout – There shouldn’t be meat on polish Wigilia (Christmas Eve)! – I will explain, that when I was a child we didn’t eat meat on Christmas Eve, it was more like a rule then tradition. In respect of animals that came to baby Jesus, there was NO! meat on polish table on Wigilia. But, when I was a bit older I remember, first hearing in the church, and then it was all over tv, that it’s everyone individual decision if he wants to eat meat or not. My family quickly adapted this information, and we do have a little bit of meat on this day.

This year my younger son, Ben (4) decided to help me with preparing dumplings, and we’ve had loads of fun doing this, although it wasn’t funny when I had to scrape dumplings dough from the floor after.


Ben preparing dumplings

This year, before the dinner, mr P dressed up as the Santa Clause. We thought Ben will recognize him, but he didn’t! It was so good to see this happiness on his little face. Even Eva had a photo with Santa.


Ben with Santa


Eva with Santa

All children received one gift each, with a promise of more on Christmas Day…

Christmas Day is always a bit difficult for me, as my boys go to their dad, to spend some time with him. Me and mr P go to his parents to celebrate with them. But first, when we wake up we open our Christmas gifts. There has to be a gift for everybody, even for our cat. This year I’ve got a very special gift from mr P. I had a giant gift bag, with loads of wrapped boxes inside. Boxes where smaller, and smaller, and when finally I’ve got to one size of a shoe box, he told me to leave it, stand in front of a Christmas tree and close my eyes. So I did. And he took out the ring, and proposed… this is the best gift I could ever get.

I hope that this next year 2017, will be healthy, happy, magical, and full of good surprises, for me, and for you. Happy New Year!


The first week

We’re back at home with baby Eva, tomorrow she will be one week old. This week had been very chaotic, we still keep on trying to get back to our routines, be with Eva all the time, and don’t forget to pay enough attention to Oliwer and Ben. This is not an easy thing…

First thing I want to tell you about is after birth. Remember when Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton walked out to people less than 12 hours after giving birth to little princess? She looked stunning, and I hope she felt like this as well. Trust me, if anybody told me to dress up, sort myself out and walk out after giving birth, I’d tell him to go to hell. And my girl was born quick and without any complications. Can’t imagine someone who had a hard time giving birth doing that. After this stressful and painful time, your body still hurts for at least a day. Your “inside” needs to clean itself, so you have bleeding, that can be stronger or weaker, depends on how your child birth went. And there’s a belly. Don’t let yourself think, that it will disappear a day after. Oh no, your pregnancy belly is still there, just squashy and empty, it’s not easy to get rid of that.

Eventually, if everything is OK with you and your baby, you’ll go home on the same day. And here reality awaits for you. Tiredness is a common thing, you wake up thinking of going back to bed. Baby has got it’s own rhythm, and you have to adjust yourself to it, plus make sure you don’t forget about your other kids, make sure they don’t feel left out. I’ll tell you from my point of view, that it’s easier done with younger children, than older ones. My Ben (4) is happy just to sit with me, have some cuddles, help me feeding
(as I don’t breast feed) the baby, while Oliwer (11) needs something more, not even with me, it’s more about Paul and dad – son relationship. So we work on it. They did some “men shopping” together yesterday, today they went to watch our local football team, even though they both support Manchester United. But the point is, they spend some quality time together. Believe me, i can see the change in Oliwer straight away. He is happier, his aura was a bit grey this week, today it shone brightly…

Work out your way. Most of mums wants their man to help them at night time. Get up when baby cries, and be awake when they are awake. For me it doesn’t sound right. I’m very appreciative of what Paul does for me. He’s two weeks off from work, and help me
a lot at home. He does cleaning, shopping, and help with the baby. He just wants me to focus on Eva and have a rest. Seems to me a bit selfish and unfair to wake him up at night, while he does so much during a day. Soon he’ll go back to work, I can’t expect him to go there tired, because he had to get up at night. How we worked it out for now, is that I get up at night, and then in a morning, he takes Ben to school, then look after Eva, and I can catch up with some sleep. Works for us just brilliantly.

In the end I want to mention feeding your newborn. I know, that midwives and doctors say, breastfeeding is the best way. But my daughter is big, she it’s nearly a double what newborns usually eat. I tried to breastfeed, but there wasn’t enough in my breast for her. If this happens to you, don’t stress yourself, just change to bottle any time, nobody will say a bad word, you’re not doing anything wrong, ready milks now are as good as breast milk, they contain everything what your baby needs.

So find your way with everything, and just enjoy being a parent.


Baby Eva Monika, 3 days old


As my pregnancy grounded me at home I became a fan of morning tv. I have my favourites on This Morning and Loose Women, sometimes I even get annoyed with subjects or people they interview, and today both shows took on a thing that makes me very angry – bullies. I want to put here the link to This Morning, because I believe, that everybody should here what this mother has to say, the mother who lost her son, because of bulling. Very often children don’t realize what they are doing, how cruel they are, but if the worst happen, they will have to live with this thought – he killed himself because I bullied him. That’s why I want YOU PARERNT OF BULLING CHILD, AND YOU PARENT OF BULLIED CHILD to listen to this woman, and read my story as well, don’t ignore it, help your child.

First, I will tell you about myself and my son. I never thought that I were bullied, until my oldest son was. I were fat child with crossed eyes, and horrible glasses. Children were laughing at me, but in our school I had popular older sister, that would always defend me. But I couldn’t defend myself, my self confidence was destroyed. I learned to not pay attention to people, I’d rather sit alone and read books then talk to people. My mum wasn’t very helpful, for her I was perfect because I had good notes at school, and quiet child can’t be naughty. Even when I stopped wearing glasses, and had a straight eyes I couldn’t see that I am pretty. I always found myself being fat and ugly. Eventually as an adult I learned where my voice comes from, and was able to stand up for myself.

And here it comes, my childhood demon came back to me. When my son came back home one summer day, and said that he was attacked by other boy. I knew that I have to defend him, but I didn’t know how, especially because it meant I would have to speak English. But, from the beginning. I would never think, that it can happen to my son. Ten years old, handsome, top marks at school, sporty, popular. Children like this don’t get bullied. He told me once, that kids are laughing as he’s got very big ears. As his mother, I never seen anything wrong in his ears, but that’s because our children are always perfect to us. That scared me, but he wasn’t really bothered, he found this funny. At the end of year 5 boys discovered word “gay”, and everything for them was “gay”, but there was one boy, that really had it in for Oliwer. Always found a moment to make a laugh from him in front of others. I noticed that my son’s confidence is going down, I told Paul, his step dad. He is very good in banter, he taught Oliwer some clever answers, and this finished bulling very quick. I had my happy boy back. Not for long… Summer holidays came. He would be out with his friends on their bikes all day. One day I noticed they spend more time at home every day. The shock came, when Oli came back home with tears in his eyes, and I had a text message from  friend, saying that she had seen Oliwer being attacked by other boy, and if I want to call police, she can say what she saw. Me and Paul started talking to him. It turned out that there is a boy, same age as my son, that keeps on attacking him and his friends. He hit Oliwer in his ribs, tried to steal his bike, and scared him, that if Oliwer try to fight back, he will make his older brother take care of Oliwer. My son changed in minutes. Wouldn’t come out the house, constantly was checking if I’m home. I couldn’t go to the garden without telling him first that I am there. When school started he begged me to start picking him up after school, because he was scared to meet this boy on the way home. Paul decided, that we have to talk to this boy parents. But that was useless. The mother of this boy laughed at us. When I said that her son tried to steal Oliwer’s bike, she answered, that “that’s what children do”. All we heard is you don’t know who I am, who my brother and my partner are, you will regret coming here, you are nothing. They were shouting, we ended up shouting. The biggest problem was, that Oliwer saw it, and it made it all even worse, because if his parents can’t do anything about it, who can?

Our only luck was, that Oliwer wasn’t the only one who had problems with this boy. Four other polish mums from our school went with me to talk about it to headteacher. Unfortunately in a case like this, school won’t deal with it, because bulling is happening after school, and this boy is not a pupil in there. They referred us to community police. Community police couldn’t do anything neither, because Ted the bully was only 10 years old. He is a child, and the law wants to give child a chance. They would only go to his house and talk to his parents. And Ted was doing something more horrible every time. Once he pushed a boy on the ground and kicked him a few times in the head. Another time he grabbed a younger boy and threw him on the edge of a public path, the boy fell on his face and had to go to hospital for a check. Every time people were calling community police, in the end Ted had to sign a document of justice ( I can’t remember it’s real name), which mean that if he does anything again he will be put on the young offenders list, and can be taken to young offenders home.

Since this happen, we didn’t hear about any problems with this boy. Our problems weren’t finished though. Oliwer was still scared. School didn’t see this, because he was happy as always in there. This was the thing, if he had an adult somewhere around him, he was ok. But he couldn’t be left on his own for a minute, he started having panic attacks. Once Paul stood in our front garden talking to our neighbour, when he heard a scream. Oliwer went out of his room and saw that there’s nobody inside the house. Sat down on the stairs, screaming like mad, because he was scared. We called Children Mental Health Centre for help, and we found out that school has to refer Oliwer to have a talk to them. We asked his teacher for help, she promised they would do that, and they never did.

Now the nightmare is finished, but only because Oliwer decided that it can’t be like this. First started going out for short time, close to our house. Then longer, and I must say that a Pokemon Go game was helpful in here. His friends from school, that he plays on his PS4 with were playing this, and Oliwer started, so they would meet on weekends somewhere around, just to walk and try to find Pokemons. I know it’s not the best way to deal with things, but if it works, I’ll take it.

At the moment Oliwer is in secondary school, which he likes a lot, there isn’t any problems. All I want to ask you parent is to not ignore any sign of bulling in your child life, even if it’s to big ears, because in their age everything can grow to a tragedy.